The Void...

The void thats where all the love is supposed to go. The void that fills the extra space in our big bath, the extra chair that now stands bare. Next to my breast, next to my chest where your little body is supposed to lie, comfort and snooze. The void when I think I hear your cries. The void where the pink and purple lego is supposed to go. We were so excited about the pink and the dolls that will fill our house. Instead there is just a void, with all the firsts we were supposed to have. First tooth, that never came out. First steps you never took. In just over a month you should be one, I am dreading that day. How do you fill the void of what is supposed to be your first birthday. When I look at Finn and his long knotted hair, I brush and think of the void thats where the ponytails are supposed to go. Bright yellow ribbons tied around spekkies meet me wherever I go. They remind so many to cherish their moments, to give extra hugs. They allow you to share the pain of the void I have that will never go away. When I look into my husbands eyes and see his pain, his void, the void for a little girl he was supposed to hug and hold and protect, just makes my void deeper. What do you do with this void, this void thats left where all the love is supposed to go? I don't know. 

I feel guilty, all I ever wanted is a big family. We were done, done after 2, done when we had the 2 boys, and then there was you. Everything we never knew we needed. We needed you and then there were two. Two was always enough until we had you. Now I feel guilty because I don't just want two, I want more. I want more love, I don't want to replace you that we can never and will never do. Because right here right now there was supposed to be you, nothing that I have nothing that I can do will bring another you. But I do want more, I want 3, I want you... Is it wrong to yearn everyday that you will pick out another sibling to walk with us the way? I know the chances are 2000 to one. Is it wrong to pray that our family will be that one. Wrong to wish we could reverse, and add to our family another little verse? Another little giggle to bless our house, another little soul to share with our house. The void is there it will never go away, nothing there is will fill it in any way. But I want more love, I want another soul, I want another little boy or another little girl. This guilt and regret just makes the void deeper, the 2 little smiles that we have makes the hill feel a little less steeper. I feel guilty because 2 will never feel like enough. These 2 boys are enough and I feel blessed and grateful each day, but I still want more, I want another soul to be with me a peacekeeper. I try and try and dig deeper, there is no end to this void of pain that swallows and sucks me in each day. Is it okay to wish for more love in our house? By that I don't mean or think for one second that what we have is not enough, I would never recon. I just want a bigger family, more smiles more laughter more of this grace that blesses my days. This family is so spacial so rare, so strong and in pain so bare. Where is all this love supposed to go, this love that wants to plate your hair so fair, wipe your tears, comfort your fears.. All I have is this void, this void full of love that has nowhere to go.